Weight

I was always an overweight child, obese child if you might add.

I was 30kg by the time I was 3 or 4. I entered primary school being bigger than everyone my age, even the guys. I was bullied on the very first day of primary school, being called a fatty by this guy named Johnathan made me cry and made me understand society's view on overweight people. I never knew why, since I was young. I had no friends and would just spend my time during recess sitting in the void deck of the school, and just wait for time to pass. As time pass by, I gathered the courage to actually buy biscuits during break and that's the only thing I knew how to buy, and had the courage to. I was a very shy child. Girls hated me since I was a tomboy and would hang out with guys more than girls. I got accused and framed often and even though one of the girls did apologize to me after graduation, I never did fully forgive them. I was already more than 60kg by the time I was 12. I stopped growing at 12 too, at 164cm. In secondary school, I never did have any friends too, except one.

On I go to junior college, being the heaviest I was. I was dreading orientation since there were many games that makes me overly conscious about my weight. There were guys in my class that actually told me that I shouldn't be eating since I was fat. And asked me if I ever wanted to go on a diet. That made me really sad. It made me eat more, and I guess I really exploded, I got to my heaviest, at 85kg. After graduation, I actually went to work at a private school where there were many adults telling me to exercise and lose weight.

Then, it clicked. I started running everyday, skipping lunch and only eating a little bit for dinner. Over 2 or 3 months, my weight dropped from 85 to 72kg. I used to run 10km daily, sometimes even pushing through 10. It was an obsession. I couldn't bear not to. I would feel so guilty if I did not exercise. I hated exercising I hated running, but I HAVE TO. I was a slave to it. I ran and ran and ran.

Then, university started. I did eat then, but not a whole lot. University orientation camps were very oriented towards guy/girl games. Where guys would piggy back girls, and such. The guy that carried me was SHAKING. I really felt so guilty over it. And I would opt out of games that require such activities. After the camp, I continued my obsession with my runs. Over the first semester, I dropped to 58kg.

Onto my holidays to the U.S., I was restricting big time. I would drink a pack of milk or eat a few bits off my sister's food. Sometimes I would skip lunch saying I'm not hungry. I felt great, pretty. I could easily fit in size 0/2. However, seeing my sisters fitting in size 00 made me think that I'm fat. Over the two weeks in the U.S., I actually lost 2kg. Thinking back, I actually missed out on so much food that I could have tried.

The second semester of university was horrible, and great. There were over 10 guys who actually noticed me. They would say that they never realized I was actually in the same course. And of course, they liked me cause I was SKINNY. However, I loved their attention. Things went downhill as my obsession made me weight drop to 46kg. I was so obsesesd with gymming and running. I would go to the gym 3 times a day, and do a midnight run around the entire campus. By the end of the semester, something big happened and I was diagnosed with anorexia and depression.

Over the summer, I was eating a lot. Bingeing. I would eat everything in sight. Boxes of chocolate, chips. I gained 20kg in two months. No one understands how I could eat two large pizzas, chips and chocolates all in one sitting and not be satisfied. I would secretly eat. I need to be in my room and with no one else knowing that I was eating. I didn't want anyone to judge me. But I cant keep my mind off food. I cant sleep, I cant study. I was thinking about FOOD all day long. All my money went to buying food. But when I'm out with people, I actually dont want to eat that much. I kind of restricted outside. This continued on. I would binge on pizza, subway, NUTS, BREAD and ICE CREAM. My major loves. I can eat 2kg of cashews, almonds, 3 loaves of bread and 3 pints of ben and jerrys no problem. This continued on for a year. I was restricting and exercising and then I would binge. At the end of a year, I was at 81kg once again.

Now, I am restricting again. Eating no more than a 1000 calories a day. Well, I still have my binge days but I significantly reduced that frequency. I try to eat more healthy and I stayed away from exercising. Cause well, I hated it. Lol. I still have urges to get bread, ice cream and cashews but I try not to. Sometimes I would binge on biscuits and oreos but I try to limit them. But my mom recently went to the meiji factory and bought like a lot of chocolates that I LOVE. Especially chocolate covered macadamias. Damn those are good. I'm at 70.7kg today.

I just hope I am able to reach my ideal 55kg. Then, I promise, I would start eating normally.

I don;t know what I'm writing. There's no coherency. But my mind is always like this.

tata.

Relationship problems

Been with my boyfriend for five years.. Butthese days i really wonder if he relly loves me. When he was drunk that day, he blamed me for taking away his joys in life.. smoking, drugs and racing. And was saying that I'm going to take away his alcohol next and he rather choose them over me. Its drunk talk but there's a little truth in every thing. It really bothered me since these days he's been saying that I was annoying and sometimes I'm too clingy. Long distance relationship is hard and I need constant reminder and recognition of his love for me and yet for so long, he's never willingly said i love you to me. Once an everyday affair became non existant. It hurts me when he says all those stuff about how annoying I am, but all I can do is just bite my lips and try not to cry with sound. Tears fall of course, and he really hates it when i cry which would just anger him further. I wonder if I'm going to be the one who's abandoned.

Binged

I was left alone at home today.

Everyone was out, I baked some chocolate filled chocolate bread. The temptation to eat those chocolate filled goodness was so strong but I didn't give in. After a while, I snacked on corn thins, 10 of them, Then, I ate normal lunch, and then I snacked on mini oreos, 3 at first. I took a short nap and woke up, only to find myself pigging out on an apple, 15 more mini oreos, and 6 cheesecake biscuits. Then I decided to have dinner at 5pm. I told myself to stop, but I munched on cheddar bunnies. I feel like all my weight loss progress is going to go to waste. Yes, I am overweight, or maybe obese, and I am anorexic. Who says anorexia only affects skinny people? I was anorexic, then I fell into this abyss of bingeing. I was so happy then, to eat whatever I want. A year and a half later, I gained more than I started with, been on many diets and still binged occasionally. It's not just something you can just recover from. It's like a lifetime disease surrounding food and every single thing that passes through my mouth, I have to go through a constant struggle to let myself eat it, or even to stop myself from shoving it in. Sometimes, I wish I was anorexic again. And yet, sometimes I don't. It's a conflicting feeling but it's been well over 2 years and I'm tired of this fat ass.

Dilemma

My boyfriend asked me, if I exercised today. I immediately felt a wave of stress and guiltiness. I given up on exercise long ago. I hated it. Every single time I allow myself to set a fixed schedule on exercise, I end up over-doing it. I have a love-hate relationship with it. I would exercise, running 10km or more every single day and refusing to do any social activities, not even my studies were more important than that. It was like my religion, my safe haven. But then again, it isn't. It's a prison for me. A place where I had to go to, or else I feel fat, and disgusted with myself. I wonder if I should tell my boyfriend that I really wish that I don't want to rely on exercise, I don't want to feel like I HAVE to exercise. But I understand that he just wants me to lose weight..