Weight

I was always an overweight child, obese child if you might add.

I was 30kg by the time I was 3 or 4. I entered primary school being bigger than everyone my age, even the guys. I was bullied on the very first day of primary school, being called a fatty by this guy named Johnathan made me cry and made me understand society's view on overweight people. I never knew why, since I was young. I had no friends and would just spend my time during recess sitting in the void deck of the school, and just wait for time to pass. As time pass by, I gathered the courage to actually buy biscuits during break and that's the only thing I knew how to buy, and had the courage to. I was a very shy child. Girls hated me since I was a tomboy and would hang out with guys more than girls. I got accused and framed often and even though one of the girls did apologize to me after graduation, I never did fully forgive them. I was already more than 60kg by the time I was 12. I stopped growing at 12 too, at 164cm. In secondary school, I never did have any friends too, except one.

On I go to junior college, being the heaviest I was. I was dreading orientation since there were many games that makes me overly conscious about my weight. There were guys in my class that actually told me that I shouldn't be eating since I was fat. And asked me if I ever wanted to go on a diet. That made me really sad. It made me eat more, and I guess I really exploded, I got to my heaviest, at 85kg. After graduation, I actually went to work at a private school where there were many adults telling me to exercise and lose weight.

Then, it clicked. I started running everyday, skipping lunch and only eating a little bit for dinner. Over 2 or 3 months, my weight dropped from 85 to 72kg. I used to run 10km daily, sometimes even pushing through 10. It was an obsession. I couldn't bear not to. I would feel so guilty if I did not exercise. I hated exercising I hated running, but I HAVE TO. I was a slave to it. I ran and ran and ran.

Then, university started. I did eat then, but not a whole lot. University orientation camps were very oriented towards guy/girl games. Where guys would piggy back girls, and such. The guy that carried me was SHAKING. I really felt so guilty over it. And I would opt out of games that require such activities. After the camp, I continued my obsession with my runs. Over the first semester, I dropped to 58kg.

Onto my holidays to the U.S., I was restricting big time. I would drink a pack of milk or eat a few bits off my sister's food. Sometimes I would skip lunch saying I'm not hungry. I felt great, pretty. I could easily fit in size 0/2. However, seeing my sisters fitting in size 00 made me think that I'm fat. Over the two weeks in the U.S., I actually lost 2kg. Thinking back, I actually missed out on so much food that I could have tried.

The second semester of university was horrible, and great. There were over 10 guys who actually noticed me. They would say that they never realized I was actually in the same course. And of course, they liked me cause I was SKINNY. However, I loved their attention. Things went downhill as my obsession made me weight drop to 46kg. I was so obsesesd with gymming and running. I would go to the gym 3 times a day, and do a midnight run around the entire campus. By the end of the semester, something big happened and I was diagnosed with anorexia and depression.

Over the summer, I was eating a lot. Bingeing. I would eat everything in sight. Boxes of chocolate, chips. I gained 20kg in two months. No one understands how I could eat two large pizzas, chips and chocolates all in one sitting and not be satisfied. I would secretly eat. I need to be in my room and with no one else knowing that I was eating. I didn't want anyone to judge me. But I cant keep my mind off food. I cant sleep, I cant study. I was thinking about FOOD all day long. All my money went to buying food. But when I'm out with people, I actually dont want to eat that much. I kind of restricted outside. This continued on. I would binge on pizza, subway, NUTS, BREAD and ICE CREAM. My major loves. I can eat 2kg of cashews, almonds, 3 loaves of bread and 3 pints of ben and jerrys no problem. This continued on for a year. I was restricting and exercising and then I would binge. At the end of a year, I was at 81kg once again.

Now, I am restricting again. Eating no more than a 1000 calories a day. Well, I still have my binge days but I significantly reduced that frequency. I try to eat more healthy and I stayed away from exercising. Cause well, I hated it. Lol. I still have urges to get bread, ice cream and cashews but I try not to. Sometimes I would binge on biscuits and oreos but I try to limit them. But my mom recently went to the meiji factory and bought like a lot of chocolates that I LOVE. Especially chocolate covered macadamias. Damn those are good. I'm at 70.7kg today.

I just hope I am able to reach my ideal 55kg. Then, I promise, I would start eating normally.

I don;t know what I'm writing. There's no coherency. But my mind is always like this.

tata.